Mr. Plumpy, Humidity, Dutch-Irish Funeral

What were your favourite games to play as a child?
V: Didn't we answer a question similar to that?
M: It was about our favorite childhood toys - not games.
V: My family was big on dice.
M: You played craps with your family as a way to bond and spend quality time?
V: No. My eyebrows are in a big V. You know, like Yathzee and Boxcars.
M: What the flying fuck is "Boxcars?" That sounds like some made up crazy person game.
V: I don't know. It's not like it was my favorite game anyway. I didn't like Chutes and Ladders.
M: Me neither.
V: We were talking about Candyland the other day.
M: Yeah - that's one of the few games my dad let me win at. He'd always stack the deck so that he got Mr. Plumpy.
V: I used to think that the Licorice Man wanted to shove licorice up my ass in some horrible pedophilic rape nightmare.
M: I'm not going to comment on how that last comment of yours probably requires intense therapy...but I will add that a quick look at Wikipedia tells me that Mr. Plumpy has been replaced by some bitch named "Mama Ginger Tree." (I have been unable to find her picture or an explanation for the change.)
V: Man, fuck Mama Ginger Tree. Fuck her in the ass. With Twizzlers.


Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it.
M: "From a square plastic case down in the pocket he extracted a transparent rain bonnet."
V: You gonna tell them what book?
M: The Anatomy Lesson - Philip Roth.
V: "Bad as the salt sea is t'twould be easy on the fellow who lives in this dirty hole and the downpour on top of his head every night and with nothing in front of him but constant muck the wet and raw famine." The Poor Mouth - Myles na gCopaleen
M: Both of our sentences are about the rain. I wish it would rain in Philadelphia.
V: It's humid as fuck. I'm glad we put the A/C fridge in the bedroom.
M: Yeah, I was laying back there thinking about when Liz, Justin, and Jonah come to visit and how we'll turn our bedroom over to them and have to sleep in the hot living room. With the hamster.
V: Maybe it will rain then.
M: Yeah - and we'll all get wet and the room will smell like wet hamster.

Which landmark would you climb if you could?
M: This is a stupid question.
V: I would climb the pyramid.
M: Which pyramid? Egyptian? Mayan? What?
V: Dan Reed-ian. If I climbed it, it would still be there.
M: I'd like to sit on top of Founder's Hall at the Milton Hershey School and look out over Hershey. It's actually much bigger than it appears to be in that photo.
V: That would be fun. Maybe I could sit on top of those smoke stacks that say "Hershey's" and wave to you. Although any number of the roller coasters or the Ferris wheel would be more fun.
M: Hershey Park is 100 years old this year - they opened a HUGE water park. I don't actually have a lot of desire to go there. I bet there'll be a shit ton of kids pissing in the wave pool.
V: I always feel that way. Swimming in anything larger than a backyard pool that isn't a natural body of water...I immediately go to "Giant Toilet."
M: I've been to indoor water parks in Europe (The Tropicana in Rotterdam) and they were a lot of fun- I don't know why I feel differently about outdoor water parks.
V: They serve beer? They serve Grolsch?
M: Fuck yeah - the Dutch serve beer everywhere.
V: Funerals?
M: I didn't go to a Dutch funeral - but I wouldn't be surprised.
V: Then I shall have a Dutch funeral with a Mexican gravestone.
M: The Irish serve whiskey at their funerals. That I know for sure.
V: Dutch - Irish then.

The Gaels, Scratching, A Hog Whistling Pearl

M: Today is Part II of the Inc. Magazine questions. Our answers might be a little distracted because we're watching Penn & Teller debunk tantric sex...it's incredibly hysterical...you can view it here. (Season 2, Episode 7, starting at @ 23:00)
V: Polish your pearl?!

Who is the smartest person you know?
M: I honestly think my cousin Eamon is the smartest person I know. He's only eleven, but he's one of those people who thinks so hard so constantly that you can literally watch his thought process - but can't keep up with it.
V: That's how you spell his name?
M: Yep. But when he was born one of my other cousins sent the baby present addressed to "Baby Amen." Eamon's atheist parents were mortified.
V: Where does the name Eamon come from?
M: I thought it was from an Irish king, but I think I got him confused with his sister Una - she's named after a Gaelic Faery Queen. Eamon, I think, is just a solid Gaelic name.
V: I'm reading that Brian O'Nolan book that he wrote as "Myles na gCopalean." Gaelic's weird. He's always talking about potatoes and pigs and Gaels. Right now I think he's the smartest fellow I know. Apparently the smartest people in the world are Irish. Too bad they're also the drunkest.
M: Damn straight.

What is the least glamorous thing you do regularly?
M: Showering in our shower that needs to be un-stopped-up is pretty un-glamorous.
V: I am going to say scratching myself. I'm going to leave it vague and open. I just have a problem.

What's the simplest thing you've never learned to do?
V: I can't do the whistle where you put your fingers in your mouth and it comes out all high pitched and loud. Can you do that?
M: No - but it's fun to watch you try.
V: HA! I just did it! I have a witnaasss. Are you my witnass?
M: I guess - but it's kind of gross to watch you try to whistle while making the international sign for "pussy."
V: I would like to polish your pearl. Would you like that?
M: Are you sure you're not just regular whistling?
V: It is regular whistling but it gets louder because there's less and more controlled space.
M: Oh. So I guess there's nothing you can't do now, huh?
V:
M: You suck.
V: You know what I was never very good at? Monkey bars. I hate monkey bars. I hate little bitches that crawl all over that shit like Spiderman. Like it's none of Spiderman's dirty spidey business.
M: I can't spell.
V: What?! That is not a proper response. You know what? I don't really hate little bitches that can climb on monkey bars like crazy. I hate that I am not a little bitch that crawl on monkey bars like crazy. Gold stars for every little bitch I see on the jungle gym.
M: This is a very Vincent-centric answer. I feel buried by the things you can and cannot do.
V: There is so much shit I can't do that you can.
M: That wasn't my point - I know that - you're just doin' all the talkin'.
V:

Icy Tea, Handwriting Samples, Frozen Frozens (And a Scout McMuffin update)

M: Today's questions are courtesy of the June 2007 issue of "Inc. Magazine: The Handbook of the American Entrepreneur." In it there is an article with the poor bastard who "invented" Friendster and who is now (apparently) considered the tech world's biggest loser. (He doesn't even have a Wikipedia entry - I just tried to link to it and was told I was just the person to write it because it doesn't exist yet.) But somehow he's still on the cover of "Inc. Magazine." Wonder how much that paid...
V: That's so sad. He invented Friendster?
M: Yep. His great design concept was that when you were on you could see exactly how many other people were on who were somehow connected to you - he was broadening the monkeysphere, as it were. But, what he apparently didn't realize is that people don't give a shit because their monkeysphere is narrow by necessity. Myspace kicked its ass because it spent the money he spent on designing the tracking on things like better accessibility and easier layout.
V: Yeah. Bad design gets you no where good. Friendster is hideous.

What's your favorite part of a typical day?
V: My typical day has recently changed but the best part is almost always coming home to see my spouses. Usually I get sick of just about everything else at some point or another.
M: I like afternoon snack. I never got an afternoon snack as a kid - you know, the American norm of mom putting out cookies and juice. I usually ate a slice of American cheese and (if I was lucky) there was something to drink besides water, milk, and diet caffeine-free Rutter's iced tea.
V: Eww. Rutter's.
M: Yeah - all my friends got Icy Tea or Turkey Hill. We had Rutter's because that's what Shur-Fine had.
V: What the hell is wrong with Shur-Fine? This gets me thinking, though, about how singular dairy companies making and distributing refrigerated iced tea products is to Pennsylvania. And how everybody has a favorite brand. The fact that Rutter's makes my skin crawl is strange to me.
M: I've always been a fan of the Wengert's Swiss Premium Dairy brand which does not seem to have a website because it's Mennonite run.

What skill would you most like to improve?
M: Spelling.
V: Normal off the cuff handwriting.
M: Your handwriting isn't that bad.
V: It could always be tweaked and made more legible. Your handwriting is immaculate.


What's the accomplishment you are most proud of?
M: Tonight - and yes, I realize this is taking this question with no seriousness at all - I'm proud I haven't begged to go across the street for ice cream.
V: That's a good accomplishment. Custard's Last Stand is very tempting. ALWAYS. Even when they are closed I contemplate breaking a window for some of their tasty dairy product. Today I am proud that we were able to come to some conclusions about the physical make up of Scout McMuffins.
M: The current tally is as follows:
11 votes for a Hamburger Bun/Roll
6 votes for an English Muffin
2 votes for some kind of in between bread product
and
1 vote for a Soft Pretzel Bun
The Pretzel Bun vote came from my cousin Stuart who is in 7th grade at the middle school and is absolutely certain it's a pretzel.
V: I want to be proud of something else but all I can think of is Vanilla Fudge. P.S. Vanilla Fudge with tasty crystals of ice and sugar. Think of it Man! How do they do that?! It is more frozen than frozen! Extra frozen! Maybe you can ask for it as a topping. "Could I please have Vanilla Fudge with frozen frozens on top?" They'd say, "Nah Man, those is free. Those comes with the ice cream. In fact, you're retarded and get the hell out of here before we call the police!" And I'd say, "I'll be watching you! I can see you out my window! And with every cone that comes from your hand I'll be counting down to the hour of your dismissal. Just wait."

Mr. Wentling's Johnson, Mini Putt, The Great Scoutt McMuffin Debate

Which is worse - walking in on your elementary school principal masturbating or vice versa? (Submitted by Brian Franciszak.)
M: I think it all depends on how old you are when this happens. Walking in on him/her while in elementary school would be devastating, but if s/he walked in on you touching yourself at age six, not quite so terrible. BUT - if you are in high school or college or just an adult in general and you walk into - oh, say the Philadelphia Central Library bathroom, and you see him/her going at it while looking at a Dr. Seuss book, then I'd say that's the worst thing that could happen to your psyche.
V: I will second your sentiments, but add that probably the worst thing I can imagine is slipping off during, say, your little sister's 2nd grade Art's Night to rub one out because you're bored and you get caught by someone who used to be an authority figure.
M: You have a little sister...she had Art's Nights...do you speak from experience?
V: Mr. Wentling never caught me with my hands on my johnson. And I have never seen little Mr. Wentling. Thank Christ. All this makes me realize that the name "Mr. Wentling" would be a totally appropriate name for one's genitalia.

What were you doing right before answering this question?
M: Applying for yet another summer job - but this one pays a crap ton of money. Let's hope I at least hear back.
V: I drank whiskey while watching Molly apply for said job. But before that, we were both at the mini-putt down the road.
M: Vincent won - but I think he cheated. He sweet-talked the ball until it did exactly what he wanted it to do.
V: I almost got that last hole in one thingy where a bell goes off and maybe a clown comes out and gives you a free putter or game of golf or hand job or some other prize. Actually, maybe I would have won an ice cream cone.
M: Real world interjection here folks: The downstairs neighbors are presently wishing their house guests goodbye and goodnight. And I shit you not - while Dan was repeating endlessly "I love you," Crazy Sandy was shouting, "Did you feel his hernia?! Ewwww!!!"
V: She said it like three times. And the guy was like "Okay! Thanks! Goodnight!" Like over and over. Just trying to get the fuck out of their back yard. Thanking Christ the entire way that he didn't end up in little pieces inside of their terrarium.

Describe your favorite elementary school lunch.
M: SCOUT MCMUFFIN! It was basically a preformed egg patty topped with deli ham and a slice of government issue cheese on a hamburger bun. It was served with tater tots and fruit in its own light syrup.
V: That is completely not true. It was a McMuffin hence served on an English muffin.
M: No. Not at all. It was on a hamburger bun.
V: You rich fucks at East probably could afford things like buns. Your buns probably had things like sesame -
M: NO! We had the same meals you did and Scout McMuffins came on hamburger buns. Give me my phone. . . . Okay, so now we have called every Weiser phone number in our cell phones. We're waiting for four call backs (our brothers [all three] and Tucker.) The vote stands as follows: 6 votes for hamburger bun, 5 votes for English muffin, and 1 very smart vote for an "amorphous cross between the two." Tara says it was on a bread product that could ONLY be found in Conrad Weiser cafeterias and was a hybrid bun/muffin. She said all of this without prior knowledge of the argument and with absolute certainty.
V: Tara is a smart cookie. I'll take that. I can accept that it only a perceptual difference that would make one person swear on their mother's grave that what they were eating could be classified as a muffin bread item and another swear that it was a roll bread item. But - I would like to leave some kind of open endedness to this and ask for some other opinions...and maybe we can do some more research. P.S. I'll tell you what I didn't like...and that is Beef-n-Barf'n Burgers. Squished or not. They taste like they sound.

Memorial Day

The Epyllionaires are enjoying a lazy Memorial Day weekend - no questions tonight.

But here are three things that we love:

Having dinner with friends.

The city of Philadelphia.

Our brother Chad and all of the other troops.

Please

The Epyllionaires humbly request that you send us questions because we are running out of surveys generated by thirteen year old girls who spell good and stuff.

(Okay...maybe there is an unlimited amount of these surveys...but...they're getting really old really quick and we need some new inspiration.)

No questions tonight - we were out at a show. Maybe no questions tomorrow night. But soon.

Vampirates, Scott McCloud, Bob Dylan's shoes

What was the last book you read and who wrote it?
V: Well we both have been involved with Chuck Palahniuk's last book.
M: That's not the last book I read, though. I read it recently, but not lastly.
V: Well that's what I'm reading now. The first 250 pages was phenomenal but now, not so much. Before that I read "Being and Time" by Martin Heidegger.
M: Do you want to know what the last book I read was?
V: Of course, although I think it was that great ocean adventure "Vampirates."
M: Yes! "Vampirates: Demons of the Ocean" by Justin Somper. It was kind of mediocre, but then again, it was a book about futuristic pirates who are also vampires. I wonder what this hasn't been done previously. But all a google search comes up with has to do with the book.
V: The FREE bookmark says "Well, if pirates are bad, and vampires are worse, then I pray that as long as I be that though I sing of Vampirates I never one shall see."
M: That seems like pretty sound advice. Sorry - these answers are more than vaguely distracted since we're watching this Chris Rock HBO special.

Who is your favourite comic book character?
V: Why don't you start.
M: You have to think about it? I would have expected a quick answer from you.
V: That's like asking what my favorite painting is. Or my favorite band. It's kind of a non-question. It's easier to talk about what I'm most interested in as of late as opposed to all time.
M: I like Batman and Bone and Pogo and Spiderman 2099. Oh, and For Better or Worse - but I guess that's a comic strip.
V:I like all of those too, a lot! Although Pogo and Bone are basically the same thing. Pogo being the older, maybe more racist and edgy version of Bone's fantastic epic update.
M: Does Scott McCloud count as a comic book character?
V: He does as much as R. Crumb or Harvey Pekar or Art Spiegelman.
M: Oh - then Scott McCloud is my favorite comic book character.
V: I'm going to have say Krazy Kat right now.

Are there any shoes in the room?
V: I found a sandal! It's like baby food greenand it's a Teva!
M: I found two dressy sandals and a pair of Bass penny loafers! And another green Teva. I think all the shoes are mine.
V: My shoes are in the bucket.
M: Chris Rock is wearing shoes. Do those count?
V: So is Hunter S. Thompson. He's on our computer background.
M: There's a shoe shaped magnetic magnet on the 'fridge w/ Bob Dylan in it.

Scantron, Strawberries, Survey Gods

What's something someone's done to make you hold a grudge against them?
M: This loser (high school) classmate of my brother's once got into an argument with me about how teachers who use scantron tests are lazy because they don't grade their own work. I argued that with the whole push towards standardized testing, schools actually prefer to have teachers use scantrons. He refused to concede the point even after I gave multiple proofs from academic articles. The fucker is a douche. I stalked him on Xanga for a while until Vincent and Brian said I should stop.
V: That sounds like a headline in the Myerstown Herald. "Loser taunts Teacher: 'No more bubble tests!'" ... I don't really hold grudges but I am still pissed that Jordan Wolfson never gave me a collection of his videos for the bad ass painting I gave him.
M: . . .
V: Okay, seriously, anyone reading this should download the current issue of the Herald. "Goons damage vehicles with rocks" and "Slugs Swipe Sheets of Aluminum." Take that Johnathan Swift!

Do you know what an aphrodisiac is?
M: Yes.
V: I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Umm. Shhhooow me.
M: Show you what?
V: An aphrodisiac.
M:

V: That doesn't turn me on at all.
M: Should I try again?
V: If you want to put another picture in there, go right ahead.
M:
V: Boy. Do I want to tit fuck those berries. Mmm. I would fuck them haaarrrddd. I have a raging boner. I have a raging boner. I Have ARaging Boner. For berries. How did you do that? It's like a sudden thunderstorm of fuckness came over me. I would have fucked any available produce right in the ass.
M:


If you got a million dollars and couldn't spend a penny of it on yourself, what would you do with it?
M: I'd give some money to the Harrisburg YMCA because they treated me so well, I'd give some to RSD research, I'd more fully support my local NPR station, and I'd pay back my parents and my in-laws for everything they've done to help us.
V: Is it fair to say I would give all of it away to my spouses?
M: No - I think there's probably a clause in there that would make you unable to benefit at all from the money. Kind of like having three wishes and using them to only make more wishes.
V: So I have to give the money to things that will in no way benefit me?
M: Not directly benefit you. You could set up a scholarship at Tyler so that Nick could get it, but you couldn't set up the scholarship and be its first recipient.
V: I will buy . . .
M: We could buy Austin his burrito truck.
V: Can't I use the money to start a gallery/performance space that does not charge admission?
M: Not unless you relinquish all ownership of said gallery.
V: I'm talking about non-profit here.
M: Eventually it would end up being profitable and you being the owner would profit.
V: So - wait - who is making the rules here?
M: The survey gods. I'm just repeating their word. Who are you to question the word of the survey gods?!
V: I'm the proud new owner of a non-profit arts space that I will do what I goddamn please with. Whether that means putting on free rock and roll concerts, amazing art installations, having craazy parties, or fucking strawberries whenever I fucking feel like it that's what I'm going to do.
M: The survey gods say you are an abomination. You're going to survey hell.

Spikes, Providence Place Mall, Naked Mole Rats

When at bbq's, what do you prefer on your hot dog/veggie dog? Ketchup, mustard, grey poupon, relish, sauerkraut, or OTHER?
V: Mustard, relish, OTHER.
M: I like spicy mustard and ketchup at a BBQ or better yet, fire cooking dinner, but OTHER when it comes to gourmet hotdogs. What do you consider to be OTHER?
V: Little dicey chunks of onion or scallion and HOT SAUCE!
M: That sounds like a Buffalo Dog to me. I'm partial to the Yankee Dog (spicy mustard, bacon, and cheddar cheese), but now it's called a "Patriot Dog." Good God. We move away from a city and it goes crazy and renames the hot dogs at Spike's.
V: I can't wait until my cheese abstinence is over. We should have dogs.
M: I'm not sure that's on our new and improved healthy menu of dinner options.
V: I thought hot dogs were okay once in a while. (P.S. - it's a VEGGIE DOG.)
M: Veggie dog or not - I'm still not sure it's super healthy.
V: Yeah. I like cheese. I miss cheese.
M: It's only been a week.
V: A week? A week between loved ones is a week too long.
M: Do you want that I leave you alone with your cheese tomorrow when you get to have it again? You need some alone time with it?
V: Mmmm...cheese....

How do you consider your place within society?
M: The wording of this question kind of freaks me out. I mean, I think I could answer "WHAT" my place within society is, but not "HOW" I consider it.
V: When I read this question I started thinking to myself, "Well, I am next to a meat market, across from a sushi place, an above crazy people." And then I realize that's not what it's talking about. I usually consider my place within society while driving or shopping. But that is when, and not how.
M: You once told me that the Providence Place Mall was proof of the downfall of society. But I think that was because the movie we saw sucked and Newbury Comics didn't have the album you wanted.
V: You think wrong! I did think that, but keep in mind I hadn't been anywhere but home, a playhouse, and the studio in like I don't know, a long time. Sometimes it was easy to forget what people who don't do those things are like.
M: The people in the Yankee Candle shop always kind of frightened me, so I guess I can see where you were coming from.

If your friends were transformed into animals, what would they be? Describe each of your closest friends in terms of animals.
M: I think we should decide up a set number of friends - maybe two each or four total if we do it together.
V: . . .
M: You've got no opinion?
V: I was already thinking of animals. And peoples. I was trying to come up with animals for the Nick/Caleb/Toby house.
M: And were you successful?
V: I think they're all mammals.
M: That's pretty broad and general there Vincent.
V: Okay. Toby is some kind of dog, maybe a pug. Caleb is . . .
M: A ferret. One of those trendy/rare-ish albino white ones.
V: Yes! And I'm thinking Nick is . . . some kind of bear?
M: A koala?
V: No. He's not mellow enough for koala. But he's not all amped up like a polar bear. Maybe a panda!
M: I was going to classify you as a panda - but you and Nick are similar enough that it could fit for you both.
V: I will take the koala. A fat one! A koala that isn't allowed to have cheese for a week. Yes. A fat, pissed off, addicted koala. Actually, I think those adjectives are the exact opposite of koala.
M: Yeah, that sounds more like one of those angry little red bears to me. You know, the ones that are more raccoon than bear.
V: I think the worst insult would be to consider someone to have the personality of a naked mole rat.
M:Ewww!!! I hate those fuckers!
V: Ahhhhh!!! Look at his teats!
M: Boy naked mole rats don't have teats like that - that's a pregnant girl naked mole rat.
V: She doesn't walk - she slides. On her babies.
M: I think I'm going to go be sick now...

A Change Up

M: We're switching it up tonight and venturing into other types of on-line surveys. This is a fill in the blank kind of survey. Vincent is going to answer the odd numbered questions, I've got the evens.
V: Happy Friday! ASS!
M: You watch too many damn Tourette's Guy videos.

1) I am a(n)... lover of hot sauce.

2) My ex-boy/girlfriend was... a European ballerina.

3) I'm just a(n)... little tired from going to see Shrek 3 last night and working all day.

4) Maybe I should... put my glasses on because it's kind of hard to see.

5) I love... sandwiches.

6) ____________ is cute. Infant forms of any creature.

7) Looking for... proper summer employment.

8) I don't understand... fractions and percentages - no, not the theory, but the practical figuring out things like what a 20% tip would be.

9) I lost my... first tooth in a bowl of Frankenberry.

10) My boy/girlfriend is a(n)... husband. My husband of 729 days.

11) In darkness, I... look at the fan's shadow and listen to my iPod.

12) Why do I... suffer with such allergies? I mean, seriously, I feel like I haven't had un-swollen eyes in like a month.

13) Is there such a thing as... a flashdark - NO! Don't write it! Someone will steal it away from me! Don't write that! Don't write that!

14) Does the... grocery store have pastrami? Because I would really like some pastrami.

15) People say I'm... now figuring out that these are all song lyrics and I feel dumb. Otherwise: hairy. And they're right.

16) Love is... watching a documentary about meaty sandwiches with your wife even though you are totally grossed out and disgusted by meat.

17) You make me wanna... like nasty, meaty sandwiches so that we could travel to Louisville this weekend for a Brown Hot.

18) Somewhere, someone is... really in need of taking a shit.

19) Is it true that... if you hold it in you get really sick inside?

20) I will always... wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't ever decided that drinking is okay.

21) Forever is... what kept me up at night after church.

22) I never want to... see Spiderman 3. I've heard it's terrible.

T.P, Deadpool's Mons Pubis, Shower Beer

Do you fold or crumple your toilet paper? (Asked by Brian Franciszak.)
M: Brian asked us our first reader question - but he stole it from Dougie Coupland.
V: I would like to point out that when Molly first typed that, she misspelled Coupland's first name as "Doughie" which, by happenstance, he is. Doughie...as in both pudgy and whitey.
M: When I first read "jPod" I was a little concerned because it implies that those who fold their toiled paper before using it tend to be more intelligent than those who crumple. I asked lots of people whom I think are intelligent and they all fold. But I crumple!
V: You also, apparently, use toiled paper.
M: Oh - shit. I can't type tonight.
V: That's okay. Would you like a folder to take over?
M: . . .
V: I'm just being a jerk. Actually, depending on the toilet paper sometimes I crumple or half fold, half crumple. You know that really shitty kind (no pun) that is like one-quarter ply and comes in a huge, industrial roll? It's kind of like wiping your ass with dandelion puffs.
M: I actually don't mind that kind. I hate Charmin because it's all linty.
V: I also don't like the kind of toilet paper that is as thick as cardboard. That kind you sort of have to fold.

What color shirt do you have on now?
V: I have on a black t-shirt with an image drawn by Jim Lee depicting Deadpool the wise cracking assassin.
M: Jim Lee didn't scimp on the muscles, did he?
V: Or the mons pubis.
M: Yeah, his crotch does kind of go up past his navel. I've got a lime green and navy striped henley. It's not nearly as disgusting looking as it sounds.

Have you ever taken a shower while you were drunk or high?
M: I've showered after I've woken up hung over and then puked into the shower.
V: You have done that. I think I was there.
M: Not in the shower with me - but yes, in the apartment.
V: I have done both. But I must say nothing beats getting drunk IN the shower.
M: You've gotten drunk IN the shower?
V: Drinking beer in the shower is a lot easier than you would think. I think the first time I did this was in an effort to prove my time management skills. That is - I had to shower to go out AND I had to get pretty drunk before I left so I could save money. Hence - the beer shower. Or, probably the shower beer is a little more in line with the activity.
M: Didn't it just get really watered down?
V: No, that stream is pretty consistent and at the proper angle and resting it on the right ledge at the appropriate times...I would say you could drink any beverage in the shower. Not that one would want to, necessarily. I'm thinking a glass of milk does not go well with cleaning your body. Also hot chocolate. Hot chocolate, I'm shaking my head at you.

Art Linketter, Pie Underpants, Beer

If there was an instruction manual for life, what would you include in it?
V: I would surely include Art Linkletter's illuminating discussion of procreation for chickens.
M: I think that recording was about sex in general - but I've listened to it since I started having sex and when I knew first hand what sex involved and damn if I couldn't figure out what that crazy old man was talking about.
V: It is like a battle cry from some distant alien land on the horizon. Chicken sex! They do it! They do it underneath their hind feathers! It is at once barbaric, strange, and wholly G-rated.
M: I kind of remember some creepy background music that did not at all put me at ease enough to understand the mystery and the miracle of life. Lynn Peril describes the whole thing as:

"[..] Art explains all about frogs, chickens, horses and humans and "what we call ... the act of mating." Learn how the egg grows in "a hollow place in the mother's body that the doctor calls the uterus" and how the sperm gets to the egg through "a little tube" on the father's body. I guess Art doesn't know what the doctor calls it, or maybe he's just not saying. Also, while he tells us just where to find "the little tube" on a horse, he never mentions just where it might be located on a human male." (Peril, 1994)

V: I agree with what she's saying. It's like being talked down to no matter how old you are, and yet you aren't convinced that the person doesn't know what they're talking about but that they're choosing to puzzle you with odd descriptors and vagueness.
M: Seriously, is that ----------------------------------------->
the man you want to explain sex to your children?! I don't think so.
V: I'm glad that we "mate." Mating feels good. Someday maybe we'll spawn. Spawning happens from mating.
M: My "hollow place" doesn't have any vacancies yet, but sure, someday I'll spawn with you.

Which is you favorite part of the pie- the crust or filling?
V: You know, you wouldn't necessarily think it, but the transition from talking about A.L. and mating to pie filling is a stomach turning event. But I'm going to say neither.
M: You like pie.
V: I love pie! My favorite part is not the crust so much as the top layer of pastry - no, strike that - the underside of the top layer of pastry where the chemical bond occurs between the filling and that which is not filling. That's good shit. It's almost like pie underpants. Yes. I like the underpants.
M: I like strawberry rhubarb filling. And lattice pie top covered in coarse sugar crystals.

Name something that comes in a pack of three-
M: Brita Pitcher filters.
V: Umm..what does come in a three pack?
M: Half of a six pack?
V: I think I'd get thrown out of any place asking for a half of a six pack.
M: Once you took one beer from a six pack at the joint near the Chinese place near Nick and Caleb.
V: Oh. Yeah, that's, that's, pretty common.
M: So it's okay to take one beer from a six pack, but not three?
V: Well - one wonders why three? It seems like some kind of AA relapse move or something.
M: One drink is an AA relapse.
V: Somebody who has practicing relapsing knows that one beer is never enough and two beers is just two beers, but three beers can mean anything. That is, anything can happen after three beers.
M: You wanna beer?
V: No. I don't even particularly like beer. Not most beer. I only like beer that tastes like pie underpants.
M: Would you drink a beer with Art Linkletter?
V: I'd be like "Sorry about your druggy daughter, Artie. Here's a beer." That's probably about where our conversation would end.
M: And these questions, too.

Musical Montage, Mouse Networking, Gym Teacher

Favorite scene from a movie?
M: I'm pretty big on any inspirational music montage in a children's movie. Let me stress CHILDREN'S movie. Shrek gets his shit together? Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Vincent makes me watch "Cobra" and Sly Stalone makes out with robots to music makes? Makes me want to puke.
V: I've never made you watch "Cobra!" Except for that one time.
M: That one time was more than enough. Didn't he keep his gun in a pizza box in his 'fridge?
V: One of them.
M: See! How would I remember that if the movie hadn't totally turned me into an emotional cripple?
V: Well certainly the scene you refered to earlier, that is, the musical montage of robots and super models wearing lingere is one of my favorites. I'm also very fond of the diction song/dance in "Singin' in the Rain" where they turn the speech coach's office into a playhouse.
M: I like that part too - my favorite dance move of all time (outside of Riverdance...) is in the musical number. Gene Kelly and Donald O'Conner shuffle so well together.

If your pet could talk, what would they sound like?
V: Probably a cross between...what is the wizard in "Lord of the Rings"...Gandor?
M: Gandalf. They went to Gondor.
V: So Gandalf and Eric Cartman. You disagree?
M: Our hamster would be a grizzled old and flamboyantly gay fat kid with an attitude? And magical powers? Although...I think Cartman was Gandalf in the LOTR spoof they did...
V: Maybe not. I like that our hamster is actually quite silent. It makes him seem...smarter.
M: He does live next to a bookcase and he is named after a literary character - it could be a self-fullfilling prophcey.
V: Do you think he does some rodent networking with our mice friends?
M: Nah. He's probably pissed that they ate all his yogurt treats. He probably threatens them and then laugh because even if he wasn't in the cage his fat ass wouldn't be able to do anything to anybody.
V: Still. I would like to see what happens if we put it in his non-existant ball and kept him cornered in mouse central for an afternoon.

Who was the worst teacher at your high school?
M: Linda Rachman. Hands down.
V: Oooh. Gene Becker.
M: We both picked gym/health teachers. What do you think that says about us?
V: I know what that says about us. I'm not worried. But then, I have two functioning eyeballs. Oh, snap!
M: Be nice. It's not his fault he lawn mowed his face.
V: I thought he snowblowed his face.
M: The season is irrelavent. He lost his eye because he was having problems with a lawn and garden implement.
V: And you're the one with a karma knot around your neck. I think everything works out just fine. May Linda Rachman's children be intestinally bound. Does that make sense?
M: That's a pretty creative curse there Vincent. I'm impressed.

Computer in the Kitchen, Cake Icing, Spans

What's your favorite kitchen utensil?
M: I like straws.
V: I can tell you what I don't like a lot, which are currently mouse traps that fail to trap mice.
M: Those aren't really a kitchen utensil. They'd a tool you use in the kitchen.
V: Well then what's a kitchen utensil?
M: Something you use to either prepare or to consume food. Mice do not help make food and they certainly not "good eats."
V: Haht! Well what about this computer? It is in our kitchen and sometimes it finds recipes for us to make. Does that qualify it as a kitchen utensil?
M: No - it's just an information gatherer. It doesn't actually take an active part in the preparing of food.
V: I think your computer is sorely offended by this.
M: Remember when we moved in and put the computer in the kitchen and my mom freaked out because she was worried that it was too close to cooking surfaces and that we'd ruin it?
V: What she didn't count on was me and you eating breakfast every morning on it.
M: We did that in Hershey - Austin too.
V: I think I've spilled breakfast cereal milk on the damn thing too many times to be sorry for. Also - toast.
M: I had a Pop Tart for breakfast this morning.
V: Did you eat it off of the number pad?
M: No - I ate it in the car.
V: Tastes better off the number pad.

What are the contents in your refrigerator at the moment?
M: There was a piece of chocolate cake from the diner, but I'm eating it now.
V: You should take another bite. I'll type for a while.
M: I'm not sure I can hand over my typing responsibilities even for chocolate cake.
V: Then I would suggest putting that cake on the number pad. Umm..I think when I think of the fridge I think of the Brita filter and how, unlike orange juice, there is an endless supply of Brita water.
M: Dude! You ate the icing off the top of my cake!
V: Dude! I had a bite of cake - I didn't discriminate, I just dug in!
M: But you ate half the icing and you don't even like icing!
V: You exaggerate. There is a full other side that is covered in icing so even if I ate half of one side's icing, and I'm not saying that is the case here, but if it were, that would still only constitute one quarter of the icing.
M: All I'm saying is - I like cake.

Say “I live in a house and I like chicken” in another language.
M: Ohhh...I can do this one!
V: Well do it.
M: "Ik woon in een huis en ik hou van kip."
V: Ahh.."Yo soy en una casa y quiero pollo." I think.
M: You are a house and you love chicken?
V: Translate that with "Babble-shit"
M: Babble-shit says you're correct. Huh. I guess your Spanish is okay enough to come up with that phrase. I'm (slightly) impressed.
V: There is no guess or slightly in parenthesis! I owned that sentence!
M: Ja - maar ik kan van alles schrijven in nederlands. Jij ben niet zo goed met spans.
V: Can I have another piece of that cake? Not an icing piece even though there's icing over every last inch of it. Oh....and, I have always thought that when you say the word for Spanish in Dutch, that is: "spans" I have always felt that it sounds like some horrible STD that only afflicts the elderly and would have something to do with the combination of pantyhose and absorbent underpants. Spans. That is "Ohhhhhh! My hiiiiiippppp! It's no where near as hurting to me as my sppppaaaannnnsss flareup!"
M: I'm not touching or elaborating on that one.
V: Best not to touch it. Lest you get a great, raging case of the premature SPANS!

No questions today - but a few answers

Epyllionaire Vincent is away on a grad school, non-profit art collective, scouting for a good grade in his sculpture class trip to NYC.

Epyllionaire Molly Beth is keeping the home fires burning back in Philly.

Because of this, there are no questions tonight and I thought I'd take the time to give a little history lesson about why the Epyllionaires do what we do.

So we've been married for almost two years (2nd wedding anniversary on 20 May!) and been together for almost nine years. But we've known each other since the 6th grade and even dated in middle school. We've got a complicated and checkered history but it's worked for us and we're a happy, healthy, childless couple. What keeps us this way is the fact that we honestly enjoy communicating. We talk a whole fucking lot about everything and absolutely nothing. Our conversations sound pretty much identical to how we answer questions.

Four years ago we read an interview with David Lynch that wasn't a great final product, but had an astounding set of questions. I had a LiveJournal at the time and convinced V to answer it with me. We had fun - the people who read it seemed to enjoy it - and we revisited it annually for a couple of years.

The advent of Myspace made it easier to find surveys and to answer them - we did one together about a month ago and received comments like:

"you guys are AMAZING. i want you to quit your jobs and answer myspace surveys together, for the rest of our lives."

and

"Best blog I've ever read on myspace, including the Jedi blog and Dane Cook's blog."

(Thank you Rosalie and Minela!)

This prompted us to start a separate blog just for answering questions. We searched out an obscure literary term, added "aires" to it, and now you've got The Epyllionaires Questions Answered Blog.

We would love to ultimately receive questions from any readers - but we can't promise we'll answer any questions that try to get real personal about the "real" demons in our past(s), our sex life, (although we might answer some of those) or our financial standing,(school debt out the wazoo like everyone else). We also will ignore any direct questions about our friends and family. (No, I will not give you the cell numbers of my "hottie brother" or my "sweet ass sister." I don't want to think about either of them in that way and you shouldn't either.)

Transvestite Dracula, Egyptian MJ, No food for Vincent

Whats the best Halloween costume you've had?
V: The best Halloween costume I've ever had was the nylon mask Dracula. Mostly, if not entirely, because it freaked Chad the fuck out.
M: It's kind of cruel to like a costume because it made your baby brother upset.
V: Well, it was also supreme transvestite Dracula. It was kind of like a cross between Boris Karloff and Tammy Faye Baker.
M: What was Chad?
V: A Penn State football player.
M: So your parents took you out trick-or-treating as a toddler quarter back and a cross dressing blood sucker?
V: Ah - ooh - now that I see the picture I remember that I was wearing a sweet black bomber jacket with jeans. So I s'pose I was a cross dressing, airplane flying, Dracula on biz-caz-Fri.
M: Brian and I were salt and pepper shakers one year. We both had colanders covered in foil on our heads and weird tunics that didn't really let us sit down comfortably. I think it was cute, but all of the photos are missing.

Ever bought a CD for just one song?
M: Umm...Primitive Radio Gods....
V: What was that CD called?
M: Rocket.
V: Plenty of times I've bought CDs because of one song and that's turned out just fine. But I don't believe I've ever purchased an ENTIRE CD for just one song.
M: Before I got into The Smiths I bought their best of album from one of those CD clubs because I wanted "How Soon is Now." Umm..and I got Blue Oyster Cult's best of for "Don't Fear the Reaper."
V: I remember how elated I was as a pre-teen when I realized that I wasn't required to make any further purchases when "Remember the Time" was released as a single. I spent a good two days being depressed that I owned "Dangerous" but not "Remember the Time." Having spent my childhood listening to 45's and Greatest Hits tapes (Thanks, Mom and Dad.) I thought only one single or hit could be released per album so I was fully prepared to buy the "new" Michael Jackson album for "Remember the Time." Since then I have a more frugal approach that involves research before purchase.
M: Wasn't "Remember the Time" the video with Shaq?
V: Yeah, that's the one where he fucks Shaq in his 21 1/2 sized shoe. And Shaq's all going like, "Slam dunk, Michael! Slam dunk! Fuck my mouth! Nah! Nawh! Mmmm!"
M: No, seriously - wasn't Shaq in the video?
V: You are thinking of Michael Jordan for the video "Jam."
M: Then who plays the Egyptian king in "Remember the Time?"
V: Jackie Mason. No, wait, I mean Jackie Robinson. No! I mean Lawrence Olivier as Robinson Crusoe! Actually, it was Eddie Murphy.

M: Didn't that guard play basketball?
V: Yes, it was MAGIC JOHNSON! Magic AIDS! You know, A I D S. It was the 90's.

Describe your favorite meal.
V: Sorry, I can't answer because I'm listening to the Michael Jackson song.

Gabriel O'Hara, Rick Astley, Don't Tell Your Pastor

If you were a character in a book, what character would you be and in what book?
M: I bet you're expecting me to say something profound being that I'm a graduated English major who has read hundreds and hundreds of books.
V: Not profound, just esoteric. Or else have a really unexpected reason for something blatant and obvious.
M: I'd want to be in a children's picture book because the conflict would be minimal and manageable and I'd always get a happy ending.
V: I've always wanted to be Gabriel O'Hara.
M: From Spiderman 2099?
V: Um, yes. I always thought that they were priming him to be the future version of the Green Goblin, (THEY being Peter David), and he was pretty bad ass. I took my confirmation name from him after St. Francis de Sales told me Miguel was "un-worthy."
M: Would Michael have been an okay choice?
V: Oh, I'm sure. But apparently the Catholic Jesus doesn't like non-American English names. I know it's sooooo far fetched to want something thaaaat out there.
M: Do you think you could have gotten Miguel if you were Hispanic or Latin American?
V: Not in Robesonia. They probably would prefer "Bill" or "Sam" or something like that.
M: We grew up in a fucked up place.

Have you ever lied to a preacher/pastor/rabbi/etc???
V: That's funny.
M: It wasn't intentional - I picked the questions long before you decided to recount your confirmation story.
V: Well, I suppose I liked when I got confirmed and told the Jesus I would go to church every Sunday. And I lied when I had to make first confession.
M: What did you lie about?
V: When Father Tom seemed unimpressed with my true to life story of running away I started making up bad things I did in school.
M: You made up fake sins so that you could be forgiven for them? Wouldn't that mean you'd have to confess making up lies in confession at a later confession?
V: No, I would just self-regulate later, beating myself in my parents' basement with a ratchet and a cork screw tied together with bread twisty ties. Or just listening to Rick Astley.
Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
M: If you still went to church would you have to confess lying about what you confessed in confession?
V: I don't' know, we should write the pope a letter.
M: Well, personally, I can't remember lying to any priests, but I'm sure I have.
V: Didn't you ever lie to the nuns? You were like four. All four year olds lie.
M: I probably lied to the nuns. They only let us draw once a week and I always wanted to draw more often. I'm sure I spun some story to get my hands on more markers, more often.

Do you wash behind your ears?
V: Every fucking day.
M: You wash behind your ears separately and intentionally?
V: You don't?
M: I just figure that the shampoo from my hair takes care of that.
V: Do you let the shampoo from your hair wash your ass crack and bellybutton?
M: No, of course not. My head is a long way from my ass.
V: Well, I shall be teaching any spawn we may have how to properly wash their head cavities and crevices.
M: It's not like the back of my ears smells or anything, I think I'm doing an okay job.
V: I have no complaints about your hygiene. If you don't want your ears squeaky clean that's between you and GOD! Just don't tell your pastor.

Poking, Pretzels, Plants

What do you do when you’re bored?
V: I make drawings.
M: You make drawings when you aren't bored, why we're waiting for food at a diner, when you wake up, in the dark in bed, and sometimes when you're driving.
V: That's what I'm saying. I make drawings, I don't get bored.
M: You never get bored? I don't believe that.
V: When have you ever seen me bored unless I have to sit through something and I can't draw.
M: You get bored whenever we're forced to go to church or dance recitals. Then you make weird noises and/or comments that make me laugh and get nasty looks by those sitting around us.
V: Yes. What about you?
M: I whine. And poke things. Usually I whine while poking things.
V: Like me.

What is, in your opinion, the easiest job in the world?
V: The easiest job I've ever had was working at a gas station. I could listen to tapes and make drawings while I sold people coffee and cigarettes.
M: I don't think I've ever really had an "easy" job. I've had boring, unstimulating jobs, but they weren't exactly easy. The closest I come to easy was the last month I was working for Bachman Pretzel and old man Bachman had me make holiday decorations out of pretzel rods. I got paid like $9 an hour for that shit.

Do you have any plants in your house?
M: I'm trying to grow some herbs in tiny pots I got at Target for $1. And I've got two bamboo stalks that I haven't killed yet.
V: I have this small tropical plant that I bought three and a half years ago that was basically dead before I got it home. Somehow it's still living and not growing so much as dense-i-fying. Also, I just planted two mouse traps because our little mouse friend seems to have invited other, smaller mousey friends.
M: I think it birthed those smaller mousey friends, not invited them.
V: Oh. Right.
M: I don't want the mice to eat our crackers anymore.
V: I'm sick of the mices getting into my booze! If I had a nickel for every sauced up rodent I've seen running against the walls . . .
M: You'd have no nickels.
V: Then who's been drinking my booze?
M: Which booze exactly?
V: It seems like the whiskey empties itself.
M: Mice don't like whiskey - Vincent likes whiskey.

Desceased political figure, EXXTREEME Adventure, Not among

If you could meet one deceased political figure, who would you meet?
M: What exactly do they consider political? National, international, local . . .
V: Religious. I think maybe I would pick some Mayan guru. I don't know any of them by name but I would very much like somebody high up on the Mayan political ladder and a translator.
M: I'd kina like to see what Martin Luther has to say for himself. 'Cause really it was his break from the Catholic church that ultimately started all this crazy Christian fervor. Speaking of which, did you know that the in-speech is to call fundamentalist Christians "Fundies?"
V: No, who calls them "Fundies?"
M: The goth chick I yanked these questions from called them "Fundies" and it took me a full three minutes to figure out what the hell she was talking about.
V: Fundies also seems to communicate something about their underpants being amusing. This is why I think I still prefer "Bible Bangers" because it sounds nice and dirty. . . raunchy. You know, like "Fuck that bible hard!"
M: You should probably stop there.

If you saw a big sack of rainbow colored drugs, what would you do?
M: How big is the bag exactly? Because I wouldn't just be like, "Yum! This bag looks tasty!" and eat them all if it were a garbage bag.
V: No, you wouldn't eat them all. . . you would separate them all into their individual colors and shapes. I would probably grab the bag very nonchalantly, save half for consumption, and sell the rest. That would be my summer job.
M: You could make up "Grab Bags" like they have at the dollar store where each one had a handful of mystery pills. You might have a problem coming up with the Boy/Girl gender distinctions, though.
V: I wouldn't come up with gender distinctions, I would come up with political distinctions Conservative/Liberal. The Conservatives get a mixture of Runts, M&Ms, Skittles, and Jelly Beans. Liberals get the pills. No, I change that again. I would mark a distinction. It would be Dangerous Adventure/EXXXTREEEME Adventure. The only difference being that there's Pop Rocks mixed into the EXXXTREEME bag. Who doesn't like Pop Rocks with their drugs?
M: Has anybody ever mixed Pop Rocks with drugs? And if so, what is the street name for said drugs?
V: Oh. I'm not going to answer that because I don't know.
M: Snopes.com says that there is candied Meth. It's a pretty new article and apparently you can now get peanut butter flavored Meth.
V: We have our finger on the pulse.
M: Yeah, of drug dealers.

Is there anything really trivial that greatly pisses you off?
M: I get irrationally upset when people use the word "between" when they're comparing more than two things. You have to decide between chocolate and vanilla, but you have to decide among chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and peanut butter meth.
V: What about if you have for choices but your brain can only deal with binaries so you must deal with them separately against each other, that is chocolate or strawberry. Strawberry moves onto the next round where it faces vanilla, etc. Isn't that between?
M: Technically if you did it that way it would be between each pair, but then you aren't really comparing all of the things equally. Strawberry might win against chocolate, but chocolate might have beaten vanilla.
V: But then shouldn't we do away with a word like between? Because - let me explain here - there is ALWAYS a third, fourth, sometimes fifth option. That is, chocolate, vanilla, OR nothing OR both OR (always an option) die. Therefore I propose the word between is done away with in the English language except in the case of grossly misusing it to piss off uppity English majors. Oh snap!
M: . . .
V: Uppity English majors sounds mean. I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings. Actually mostly yours. I don't want to hurt your feelings. If you like between, let's keep it. I will try to use it properly.
M: Okay. It's a deal.
V: A deal between US? As in, you AND me? Two, not among.

Social Work, Diamonds, Those Penguin Fucks

What were your favourite childhood toys?
M: I was a big stuffed animal kid. I had lots of them and I can remember very vividly creating elaborate back stories for all of them.
V: Didn't you have "Social Worker Barbie?"
M: That's a family myth that I'm pretty sure my mum made up because it sounded good. I've claimed to remember it, but I don't really. I didn't like Barbies and I sure as hell didn't pretend that they were social workers.
V: Whenever you mom tells that story I know she's talking about a Barbie doll but for some reason the mental image I get is of My Pet Monster being all like "Rrrr! You can't keep this crack baby!"
M: I had a My Pet Monster but it never occurred to me to make it interact with my Barbies - mostly I just liked playing with its handcuffs.
V: Haht! Yeah... I got a lot of mileage out of a rectangular laundry basket and this plastic tub in the shape of a cylinder that I covered in stickers. This is not to say that I didn't have any "real toys" but all of my real toys somehow interacted with these two objects on a regular basis. I do remember the GI Joe hovercraft being a big deal.
M: I had a My Little Pony beauty parlor - but then it got moldy.
V: Eww. Did it like spit water?
M: Yup. Out of a flower shaped nozzle.
V: What was that for? Clean up?
M: It was a beauty parlor. Ponies need their manes washed. Duh. It's not like it was a pony bidet or anything.
V: Did it come with a pony pooper scooper?
M: My Little Ponies are all house trained.
V: Plus they have no anuses.

What was the last song you got stuck in your head?
V: Desiree by Neil Diamond.
M: Yeah, you were singing that earlier and it was going straight through me. I don't understand your attraction to Neil Diamond. I think he's creepy.
V: "When I became a man / At the hands / Of a girl almost twice my age" With an exclamation point at the end. Neil Diamond does a lot of exclamation points.
M: He just makes me cringe. Why can't you ever fall in love with musicians who don't make me cringe?
V: I fell in love with Mike Doughty. And Michael Stipe for that matter.
M: Mike Doughty is a-okay, Michael Stipe too. But Mike Patton? Blargh. I've got "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" stuck in my head currently. I've been trying to get it out since this afternoon.
V: "And . . . I. . . wanna. . . beyour. . . dawg"
M: Not the same song. Although I would have liked to have heard the "intermediate guitar players" I had in class try to tackle it. It would have been amusing.

Step into your cave. There you will find your power animal. What kind of animal is it?
M: The only thing I can think of is the penguin from "Fight Club." I don't think I could ever have a power animal because of that image.
V: Why is it that penguins are America's new power animal? Is it because seeing gaggles of same looking, small brained, portly, wobbly porkchops reminds them of something familiar?
M: Pork chops? You're using the butchered carcass of one animal to describe humans finding something relatable in another animal?
V: I suppose I could use "Chiefs." Wobbly Chiefs. Americans love black and white, wobbly chiefs. And fuck that stupid documentary in the overbloated ass for instigating and endless cloy of crap. A barrage of mind numbing. . . what pole do penguins live on?
M: Dunno.
V: The South because nothing lives on the North Pole except Santa Claus. That's it! The answer is to replace Santa Claus with a herd of fat fucking birds that waddle into your chimneys and bring you yule tide joy. And because those chubby pigeons aren't specifically Christian or Jewish or anything every little capitalist boy and girl chiefs can enjoy. And you know what?
M: What?
V: Good riddance.
M: Good riddance to what? You're ranting and I'm not sure if you're pissed off at penguins, Americans, Santa Claus, or capitalist chiefs.
V: Oh. I thought it was a package deal. But just to clarify - good riddance to the Big Chief.
M: So what's your power animal?
V: Toemuckin.
M: Me too.