Hey Kool-Aid!, Jayseusian, I said Zeus Caboose!

M: Are we doing this thing or what? Are you just going to read Rotten Tomatoes top 10 Worst Reviewed movies?
V: "Watching Battlefield Earth is to movie watching what having a yeast infection is to sex." Oh man, that's horrible.
M: Ewww...yeast infections aren't the first thing I think of when I think of John Travolta, but they come in a close third, or fourth.
V: I'm reading reviews of "Half Past Dead" which is a prison escape movie staring Steven Seagal and Ja Rule. "When Seagal appeared in an orange prison jumpsuit, I wanted to stand up in the theater and shout, 'Hey Kool-Aid!'" That's horrible!

What do you do all the time in a car?
V: Drive?
M: I think this question wants to know what else you do in a car. Besides driving.
V: Listen to music?
M: You drum on your steering wheel. And you drink coffee.
V: YOU yell at every other car that - no. You yell at every other car.
M: Not EVERY other car. Just the ones that piss me off.
V: Usually you call them "Dude!" or "Fuck You!" You do this while on the phone with me.
M: You're not special in that regard. I tend to blur my phone conversations with my road rage. I spent a lot of time explaining, "Not you, I don't mean you should go fuck yourself."
V: Not your most charming trait, I must admit.
M: What is my most charming trait?
V: I think it depends on your audience. I rather like your eyes and the way you use them. Ooooo! Some people like your phone voice. Some people like your vast knowledge of literature.
M: Some people like my cooking.
V: Lots of people like your cooking. Myself included.
M: I don't cook in the car.
V: Thank Christ.

What's your ring tone?
M: Frank Black - the chorus to "If Your Poison Gets You." (I tried hard to find a clip of it. I failed. But I did find a Youtube clip of him singing "I Burn Today" which is my secondary ringtone.)

V: I also used to use "I Burn Today." Now my ring is something I made on my phone that I wanted to sound like a Lightning Bolt song:

Yeah. That pretty much sounds like my ringtone.
M: Except that it's lacking the godawful noise of it vibrating against the table.
V: Vbbb vbbb....vbbb vbbb
M: It's worse in the morning when you use it as an alarm clock.
V: Yeah, it plays like satanic Spanish music. I love that you capitalized Spanish and not satanic.
M: Satanic isn't a proper noun.
V: How come Jesus doesn't have an adjective? It should be like, "Jay-zeus-ian." Yeah. I think I'm going to use it in a sentence: "My cell phone wakes me up with like Jayzeusian Spanish music." Or would it be "Jesus-ian?"
M: Jayzeusian is more lyrical, but its inclusion of the word "Zeus" makes for a sticky denotation. We are not doing a good job of staying on topic tonight.
V: Zeus! Be-Zeus-is!

What happened at 10:00 am today?
V: Jesus, Jesus Zeus juice!
M: What?!
V: I said Zeus! I said Zeus caboose!
M: Didn't Bassem tell you that caboose means "nightmare" in Egyptian?
V: Not at 10 AM today he didn't. And, P.S. there is not such language as "Egypt-tian."
M: No?
V: I think they speak Jesus-ian. Or else Arabic.
M: Are you sure?
V: Dude, they speak Arabic. I'm being a jerk.
M: Dude, there is totally an Egyptian language.
V: Yeah, not since like 700 BC.
M: So? Maybe Bassem speaks Egyptian. I don't know. You don't know.
V: No, I know. Because he said, "Do you know what caboose means in Arabic?" Not motherfucking Egyptian. When they were speaking Egyptian our family lines weren't even like infant spermatozoa. We weren't even a thought. Egypt was like another planet at the time. What did you do at 10:00 today?
M: I was helping some motley kids do a "ramp lab." This consisted of groups of 3-4 kids making up a hypothesis about independent variables that could possible affect the speed in which a tennis ball rolls down a slope. One group changed the height of the slope. Another changed where they released the ball on the ramp. One group looked at temperature - they froze a tennis ball and dunked another in boiling water. My personal favorite, though, was the group that decided that the color of the ball would affect its speed.
V: Purple is pretty fast, you know.
M: What were you doing?
V: I was reading. In my studio.
M: What do you want to be doing twelve hours later, now, at 10 PM?
V: Getting REAL drunk and not worrying about going to bed. How 'bout you?
M: I kinda want to go to bed.
V: Is this like the 9th question? Do we have more questions?
M: Nope. This was the last one.
V: What was the first question?
M: What do you do in a car?
V: Read Jayzeusian Egyptian Zeus Juice Bottles. That should have been my answer. It would have saved us a lot of time and typing.

The Lost Biblical Book of Garfield, Billy sold out his show, Klondike Ken

M: Tonight's questions are apropos. They come from an interview with Jane Golden, the former director of Philadelphia Muralarts. It's from a series of interviews entitled "What Shapes the Minds that Make the News."

If I had the power to order everyone in Philadelphia to read one book it would be:
M: Mmmm...I think everyone should read...ummm...The George and Martha collection. Philly people aren't so nice to their fellow man, especially when they're driving. George and Martha would calm everyone down, make them smile, and maybe teach them something about kindness.
V: If I had the power to order everyone in Philadelphia to read one book I would also have the power to order everyone in Philadelphia to pay my ass one dollar. Which, however sweet having literary common ground city wide would be, being like, a lot more richer would be sweeter. Then I would buy everyone a copy, a used copy, mind you, I would buy every used copy that exists of Sir Gay-wain and the Green Knight. And I guarantee you that middle English will revolutionize urban culture. Also, there will be no more copies of Sir Gay-wain and universities and college freshmen will have to come to me.
M: I'm not sure if I should be comforted or disturbed by this odd sort of power play. I guess I'm glad you don't want to have such great power that you can take over small countries, but at the same time it seems a little...umm...complex to want to own all the copies of a historical text.
V: How 'bout instead of giving, we take. We rip the 23 page out of everyone's bible. That's like ten pages before Issac or something. Actually, that would be two pages. It's hard to rip one side of a two sided page out.
M: You wouldn't get very far on that quest before you were assassinated.
V: I would replace it with Garfield comic strips.
M: Garfield versions of biblical stories?
V: No, you know, typical Garfield "I'm so lazy, John's a dumbass, fuck Odie in the odor hole, blah, blah, lasagna." No one would notice.

Person in my field whom I most admire:
M: Depends on what exactly you consider my "field." I don't know a whole lot about the history and philosophies of famous summer school teachers.
V: Nor am I brushed up on the celebrities of haunted hay rides.
M: If we're talking authors, though, I think I admire Philip Roth more than any other American author.
V: I guess if we're talking artists, I really admire Windsor McKay, Robert Crumb, Martin Kippenberger, and
M: Billy? He just sold out his first show.
V: Billy is amazing but he is not - actually, the way that question is worded it actually should be "those still working in whatever field" which nulls and voids two of my three answers thus far. I really like Mike Kelley though. He's a good role model.

Hereos from history:
V: Hereos? I like hereos. I dunk them in my milk. I don't even like milk, but when I have a fresh bowl of hereos, I gotsta have milk. Dumps.
M:
V: Great hereos from history include the Earl of Double Stuff Sandwich in which the Earl is Double Stuffed. Also, I don't know any other kinds of Oreos. Do they make peanut butter?
M: Yes. (And, actually, you should check out the link because it's to one of my favorite food blogs written by a self-defacing bastard who lives in Hawaii and tastes all kinds of crazy American foods that we can't get here on the East Coast. His name is Marvo.)
V: Apparently Nabisco saved some money on the unnecessary, yet esthetically pleasing second 'f' in stuff. Who needs it? Fuck that second f! We'll spell it anyway we want it, and we want it bad$$$. Didn't they make "Oopsey 'O?"
M: Umm... (I may actually make a disclaimer on that link and say that the second definition may not be completely suitable for polite society.) Also - V wants me to post this but again, I'm not sure of it's PC-ness.


V: Barbie Oreo! Are they fucking kidding me?! It's bad enough that Barbie is shaped like an alien from another galaxy where all they eat is dried leaves and worms. How the fuck is any kid supposed to deal with idolizing Barbie and being completely addicted to goddamn oreos?! What is next? Tasty Kake Skipper? Fucking Pork Rind Stacy? Are we sending the message that you should be able to eat the most god awful foods and still look like this? Who THE FUCK is in charge here?! Because I'm telling you we are going to mix some god fucking words.
M: You wanna ice cream bar?
V: Only if it's on my Ken diet. Does Ken eat ice cream? Answer: Oh look, it's fucking Klondike Ken! He must. I must. I have no self control. No self esteem. Just a fucking ice cream bar in my hand and a plastic doll shoved up my ass. Look for cancer while you're in there Ken! It'll be a long night before I pull you out!

Gabriel O'Hara, Rick Astley, Don't Tell Your Pastor

If you were a character in a book, what character would you be and in what book?
M: I bet you're expecting me to say something profound being that I'm a graduated English major who has read hundreds and hundreds of books.
V: Not profound, just esoteric. Or else have a really unexpected reason for something blatant and obvious.
M: I'd want to be in a children's picture book because the conflict would be minimal and manageable and I'd always get a happy ending.
V: I've always wanted to be Gabriel O'Hara.
M: From Spiderman 2099?
V: Um, yes. I always thought that they were priming him to be the future version of the Green Goblin, (THEY being Peter David), and he was pretty bad ass. I took my confirmation name from him after St. Francis de Sales told me Miguel was "un-worthy."
M: Would Michael have been an okay choice?
V: Oh, I'm sure. But apparently the Catholic Jesus doesn't like non-American English names. I know it's sooooo far fetched to want something thaaaat out there.
M: Do you think you could have gotten Miguel if you were Hispanic or Latin American?
V: Not in Robesonia. They probably would prefer "Bill" or "Sam" or something like that.
M: We grew up in a fucked up place.

Have you ever lied to a preacher/pastor/rabbi/etc???
V: That's funny.
M: It wasn't intentional - I picked the questions long before you decided to recount your confirmation story.
V: Well, I suppose I liked when I got confirmed and told the Jesus I would go to church every Sunday. And I lied when I had to make first confession.
M: What did you lie about?
V: When Father Tom seemed unimpressed with my true to life story of running away I started making up bad things I did in school.
M: You made up fake sins so that you could be forgiven for them? Wouldn't that mean you'd have to confess making up lies in confession at a later confession?
V: No, I would just self-regulate later, beating myself in my parents' basement with a ratchet and a cork screw tied together with bread twisty ties. Or just listening to Rick Astley.
Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
M: If you still went to church would you have to confess lying about what you confessed in confession?
V: I don't' know, we should write the pope a letter.
M: Well, personally, I can't remember lying to any priests, but I'm sure I have.
V: Didn't you ever lie to the nuns? You were like four. All four year olds lie.
M: I probably lied to the nuns. They only let us draw once a week and I always wanted to draw more often. I'm sure I spun some story to get my hands on more markers, more often.

Do you wash behind your ears?
V: Every fucking day.
M: You wash behind your ears separately and intentionally?
V: You don't?
M: I just figure that the shampoo from my hair takes care of that.
V: Do you let the shampoo from your hair wash your ass crack and bellybutton?
M: No, of course not. My head is a long way from my ass.
V: Well, I shall be teaching any spawn we may have how to properly wash their head cavities and crevices.
M: It's not like the back of my ears smells or anything, I think I'm doing an okay job.
V: I have no complaints about your hygiene. If you don't want your ears squeaky clean that's between you and GOD! Just don't tell your pastor.