Rainbow Experiment, Shovle, PDB & Poon

What is something new you've learned this week?
V: I learned that the Philadelphia Experiment was formally known as the Rainbow Experiment and that it was probably all made up.
M: Is that the one about the boat that disappeared and reappeared in Virginia?
V: Why yes it is.
M: But didn't they have "eye witnesses?" And fucked up sailors with only partial bodies? How the hell to you fake half of a body?
V: All I know is that it happened in South Philadelphia and everybody was probably drunk because it was war time. They were trying to make the ship invisible to radar and so they were all yelling "Alright, now make it invisible!" or something, and so all the drunk asses hanging out by the naval yards thought that they were making the whole boat invisible. Sadly, not true. What did you learn this week?
M: This week I learned that it's apparently okay to make a beer pong table and Photoshop giant dicks onto gay porn all in the name of art when you're in your high school art class. I did not know these things when I was in high school.

If I told you i had the power to make u invisable and then i gave u a shovle and i said u could hit anyone with it and they'd never no because ur invisable who would u hit?
V: Whoa, that's apropos.
M: What is?
V: The invisible.
M: I swear it wasn't intentional, but I can see where you'd get the idea. If I had a "shovle" I think I'd hit...
V: Spell check. Real hard.
M: I didn't write the question - I just copied it.
V: Oh, no, I wasn't saying for you, I was saying for the question maker. Maybe also I would take a few whacks at the CAPS Lock key.
M: Wouldn't be in kind of hard to hit just the CAPS Lock key with a shovel? I mean, a shovel is almost the size of the entire keyboard and it would take some precision to hit just one button. Personally I think I would hit any number of our neighbors who think it's okay to do yard work BEFORE 6:00 in the morning. I understand we live in a city, in boxes, right on top of one another, but come on, seriously do you fuckers need to bang your door that many times at 5:15?!
V: I think if I were totally invisible and I mean totally, I would sneak into a record store when it was crowded and wait until everybody had gone. Then, during some dramatic climax of some unrecognizable punk song or something I would whack the one and only employee square across the face. And take everything that I could.
M: If you're invisible you could just take everything you wanted without violence because no one could identify you and they'd all be scared because the albums would be floating.
V: Good point.

What would you do if you were in your living room, then got up to go to the kitchen because you were hearing weird noises like, WOOOHOOOO... and when you got there you saw the Pillsbury Dough Boy getting a little too friendly with a biscuit...?:
V: This is not from the same survey, is it?
M: The second two questions were from the same one. It was by some horny kid who wanted to know what I dreamt about. I guess he likes the Pilsbury Dough Boy too.
V: I wonder if "biscuit" is a euphemism for a fat kid. Kinda like "Chief," although that question wouldn't read as well if it said "getting a little too friendly with a Chief."
M: The mental image of the Pilsbury Dough Boy humping a fat kid is something I'm not fully prepared to internalize tonight.
V: I don't think the Pilsbury Dough Boy (hereafter referred to as PDB) is quite the scale to assault a fat child. I am thinking, Chief could possibly be a really old, large, family cat. And now I am thinking about cat ass and just how nasty that is.
M: Especially with uncooked biscuit dough caked around its outer edges. Ewww...
V: I am now having a strange recollection, granted one that should not be recalled in the same statement as PDB, but never the less, I do remember my mother telling me that cat vaginas were scratchy like the cats' tongues. And that cat cock did not feel pleasant when it was penetrating cat poon. Does that, is that, true? Do cats have scratchy twats?
M: Your mother seriously explained to you the texture of feline genitalia?
V: Maybe I invented that or else I was unsatisfied with her answer.
M: You ASKED your mother about the texture of feline genitalia?!
V: . . . No! I don't know! Maybe. . .maybe I asked PDB and he was like "WooHoo! That poon is soft for Dough Boys! But a Dough Not for little boys!" And I was like "Dough Not?! I'd love a dough not!" And he proceeded to fuck my cat, Blacky.
M: Good God, Man. You had a twisted childhood.

Painting, Doctoring, Teachering

If you were a painting, what would you look like?
M: I'm torn between saying that I'd be one of those half-clad eating a decadent picnic lunch by the river paintings and some kind of large field of garish color.
V: What kind of food would be at your decadent picnic?
M: Umm...well, some kind of French cheese that I don't like in real life, a crusty loaf of bread, and some wine. Oh, and chocolate. Maybe a chocolate tort.
V: But you don't drink wine.
M: But I'm not a painting either. It's just asking me what kind of painting I would be.
V:And so somehow by virtue of existing in paint space, you would all of a sudden look like wine and French bread?
M: Well, no, not exactly. I'd be the voluptuous nearly naked lady looking over my shoulder at the viewer eating the wine and French bread.
V: Oh. You'd be a Manet painting.
M: Yup.
V: Wait, are you the whole painting or just the naked woman?
M: The whole painting. It looks like fun, like something I'd do, except for maybe the naked part. That's symbolic.
V: All I'm saying is that I suppose that leaves me to be one of those bearded guys.

If you were forced to be a doctor, what kind would you be and why?
V: First of all, who is FORCED to be a doctor? Does this imply that someone is threatening the ongoing-ness of my living if I choose not to be a doctor? If so, then why?
M: I've always kind of wondered who the implied speaker of these questions is too. I mean, why do they care what we have to say and why do they have the power to make the impossible happen? I think, though, that they want you to be a doctor because it's a different kind of question. Not just a "who's the last person who made you cry" kind of thing. I don't think there's any malice behind it.
V: I think it's an open invitation to say something like "gynecologis " or "rectal operator" and that that is the wrong way to reply. Personally, I would like to be typically associated with a part of the body I have absolutely no interest in. What is an elbow doctor? I am an elbow doctor. An elbologist. A doctor of elbology.
M: I guess then I would be a...
V: Patient of Dr. Elbow.
M: Wait, how come your name changed because you became an elbow doctor?
V: I think I had to change my name because I embarrassingly messed myself when my life was threatened, that is, I was forced to decide between being an elbow doctor and becoming living impaired.
M: I suppose this makes me Mrs. Elbow.

If you had to be a teacher, what would you teach and why?
M: I am a teacher and I am a substitute. I teach everything. Except gym and health. Those are two subjects I won't do.
V: That makes you sound like some kind of omnipotent zen master...who does not go to the gym.
M: Well, I am kinda thinking heavily about those cupcakes on the table. I don't think cupcakes and the gym mix well.
V: I would teach elbology.